Push harder

I always run out of energy. But now, I want to push harder with my job hunting.

What more can I give. Is there really a limit?

Push harder. Push harder.  Let's see what happens.

Pathetic

Well, this should be one of the most pathetic situations I've experienced.

I am taking an exam today for an RPG trainee position. I got up, washed and put on a smart casual outfit that I had prepared last night.  While I'm putting on my shoes, our house manager(our helper, who's taking care of our budget and stuff) asked me, "do you have money?".  I said, "No, I don't have any." She said, "Well, we don't have money."

I was embarrassed. My younger brother, upon hearing, even looked at me like he was really sorry with my situation. I was caught off-guard really. My first reaction was, "Oh, okey. Then I shouldn't be going then." Pathetic, now I don't even have money to go out of the house and find a job.  Then she said, "Oh, I still have 500 pesos in there. If you want, let split it up."  I thought, "so, now she has money, the nerve she got for making me feel unfortunate." I'm really pitiful at that time, pathetic.

I looked inside my bag and inside my pants'pockets and I saw some 120 pesos.  That I used to go from Kalookan to Makati and back, with an extra for a cookie and shawarma.

I really should find a job already.  I can't live like this anymore.

Brownout

I followed up my application at the one remaining company I had aplpied to.  A horrible news, and an unusual one. They told me that I fell short of 6 points in the second part of the exam.

It's brownout in most of Manila today.  No water, no electricity.  A storm passed by last night. It's huffing and puffing, trying to blew our house down.  I opened the doors and the windows to keep the pressure down and keep our house steady.

But I am not steady.  In the morning, whilst awake at around 9am, the first thing that came to my mind is having no job, having nothing to do, nowhere to go, no companies to apply to... I tried drowning the thought by falling back to sleep.  I have literal nightmares.  I also dreamt when I was still in College, and everything was doing well.  I stood up from my bed at around 11 in the morning.

I told myself, this is not how I should act.  I tried going back to the story of one person I truly admire.  Benjamin Franklin.  A self-made person, not having educated in prestigious schools, but was able to succeed.

I opened my book and read about Java programming.  I did not notice that the book I used when I took a class in C++ programming also contained Java programming at the later chapters.  So this has kept me busy all day.

Sigh. Best of luck with job hunting.

Someday

People have different attitudes depending on where they are on their job hunting or how long they are job hunting.

I am at the middle of the marathon.  Although I have never been into marathons I can say this is a hard part.  Running out of fuel and energy, while not being able to see the finish line.  It's like being at the middle of the Ocean, or at the middle of the dessert.  Unless you've been into such places before, in finding yourself lost into this vast uncertainty, where can one find the trust and determination that one day,you will find what you are looking for?

Not Again

This is yet another sad day for me.  I just failed my exam for Software Test Engineer.  Actually, I like the Software Developer position but I thought that I would not qualify for that.  My plan is to settle as Software Test Engineer while taking classes or self-studying on how to program using Java, Perl, C++ etc. I have a C++ class in College but I think the exam for the Software Developer position is in Java (as what I've read from the forums).

I also took an exam at >> another company and fortunately, this time, I passed the exam.  However, I left because I thought I failed the exam. They called me up over the phone to inform me that I passed and they scheduled me for an interview. But they texted me later that day and informed me that the interviewers will not be available  and they will just contact me to reschedule the exam.  I haven't got a call until now.

Today, I was left with one option.  I should not call this an option.  But at least, there's still a splinter that keeps my hopes burning.  Last week, there wasn't any.  Nowhere to start, nowhere to go. It's one of the most difficult times during job hunting.

Supply and Demand

So, I'm waiting for the results of the two job applications I had last week.  I tried not to think about it so I begin searching the internet for more job openings.

I found out that the more companies I apply to, the more confident I become and the less weight I put on each company.  I don't anymore feel that "this is my last chance".  But rather, "this is their last chance" of getting a potentially good employee such as me.


At this stage, any source of confidence I could use is valuable as I'm  loosing hope day by day.  But what I found out today is simple, companies create a value for themselves by getting as many people as possible to apply to them.  You create your value by applying to as many companies as possible. If you think there's other chances of getting a job, then you will not desparate in your application to one company.

Here I am again

My energy has completely run out. How hard it is not see the finish line.

Slowly cominng to a Halt

Today, I've not done anything.  I've viewed a lot of clips on youtube...those that say...Don't give up... 20 secrets to keep you going...Some, I think are really inspiring.

Amidst the many different quiotes, one got stuck in my mind.

"From your vulnerabilities comes your strength" by Sigmund Freud

I kept on finding some explanations on this. Probably, psychological theories from which it was referenced but to no avail.   I'll get back on this quote some other time.

 All those quotes helped and inspired me...a lot. But because of that feeling of being inspired, being elated, like some kind of addictive drug, I kept looking for more inspiring video clips.  I just wasted my whole day to be inspired. 

In the end, it all comes down to accepting that the situation is difficult and you should have the resolve in getting yourself out of this rut.

COBOL

There's something in the name that reminds me of cobwebs, dungeons, and dark alleys.

Unfortunately, this programming language is where some are putting their money in, here in Philippines. COBOL is one of the oldest programming language. According to wikipedia, it was created in 1959 to support finance and business systems etc. Many companies are outsourcing maintenance jobs for systems in COBOL.

To cut the chase, apparently, I am applying for a COBOL trainee position...which has a three year contract.  Writing it down makes me realize that it's obviously a wrong decision. 

This is a funny quote. When someone says "let's be realistic", you know he/she is not going to do anything good.

So let's be realistic. It's a right to choose, if you have options that is.

Start with yourself

Kalma. Calm. Be calm.

This is my friends advise to me. Getting a job is really frustrating.  There are a lot of interviews I've been into and failed.

Here I'm left alone in our house, finding ways to be busy.  If I stay still for a moment, thoughts race in my mind.  I am always kept reminded of the future.  I thought of this once. Can we really do something about our future? Or is fate dragging as to where we should be no matter how strongly we resist it.  Finally, where should I be then?

That I shall see.  

No Excuses

If you can't conquer it, ignore it.  So they say.

I remember when I was preparing for the board exam. I said to myself, this is useless... In real life, if I encounter these questions, I could easily google it on the internet.  This exam is very objective and it really doesn't measure the skills of a person.

Well, we could say all we want... We could try to convince ourselves that such things aren't suppose to be there.  But I think this is not the right attitude in job hunting. We cannot ignore the facts that employers put a weight on job interviews. Employers hire people who they like to work with...and many people these days are skilled and likeable and we are competing against them.

No more excuses.

We get Better, or Not

Throw yourself in the water and you'll learn to swim...or drown.

No one really knows job hunting better than the ones doing it.  Learning to do the task is not really optional, it's given.  When you walk out from a disastrous job interview, you curse yourself...Why did I say that?, I normally tell myself.  That's a pretty hard question, why I haven't thought an answer for that?

I would be lying if I say that reading some interview questions and preparing scares me more. Everytime I come across difficult questions, I focus my attention to them. Will my interview be really this difficult?  

The scary part of the job hunting process is that, while you get better at this, your options really gets slimmer. Or you'll think that you might want to give up, but fact is you can't. We need the job. You think you'll drown but you can't.

Pea Shooter to the Rescue

Looking for a job is frustrating. Sometimes, when I watch tv, eat lunch or take a nap... my mind just get clouded with thoughts of my job hunting, my frustrations and disappointments... It just eats up my energy... The uncertainty, questions like "what if I still don't have a job after 2 months...or 6 months...1 year...never"...

It's hard...really.

So, as a diversion... I resort to the Pea Shooter... I play Plants vs Zombies. In this game, I simulate success in a way. Frustrations never... In this game, especially in the survival game, I fail but I know what to do next... and I have endless opportunities to make up for mistakes... In interviews and job application, it's hard to make a mistake because you'll be loosing a precious job opportunity...

So, this is a nice break for me...Thanks Pea Shooter!

P.S. I don't play it in long hours çoz I still say it's a waste of time.

An IT job post

This is an interesting post for an IT position....

Software Developer Positions Open

---

[php]class job_opening extends CObject{

public:
//constructor
Create(AnApplicant CApplicant){
//Validate AnApplicant

if AnApplicant.HasAttributes([
A TEAM PLAYER,
ADEPT AT OOP CONCEPTS AND PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES,
KNOWLDEGE OF SQL IS A PLUS,
CAN GET THINGS DONE,
CONFIDENT,
WILLING TO LEARN,
WILLING TO WORK IN ORTIGAS CENTER, PASIG CITY, PHILIPPINES
])
and AnApplicant.University Degree in ([
Computer Science,
Computer Engineering,
Other Computer Programming Intensive Courses
])
and
(AnApplicant.is Willing to travel abroad = 'Yes')
and
(AnApplicant.is Willing to work for a CMM level 5 Company = 'Yes')

/*
Our company is one of the first to be rated the
CAPABILITY MEASUREMENT MODEL LEVEL 5
in South East Asia by the Software Engineering Institute.
SW-CMM is a model for judging the maturity of the software
processes of an organization, developed by the software
community under the stewardship of SEI.


SEI is a research and development center sponsored
by the US Department of Defense and operated
by Carnegie Mellon University.

SW-CMM has become the de facto standard
for assessing and improving
software processes worldwide.


Only around 1.5% of software companies
throughout the world have attained this level.
Among these are renowned companies like
Boeing Defense and Space Group,
Motorola, Infosys Technologies Ltd.,
Tata Consultancy Services, NASA,
and Lockheed Martin Mission Systems.
*/
then
try
try
//Assertions
Assert(AnApplicant.Resume != Null ,
'Please Send Comprehensive Resume.');

Assert(AnApplicant.Transcript != Null ,
'Please Send Transcript of Records');

Assert(AnApplicant.Rating = Excellent ,

'We only get the best!');


AnApplicant.SendEmail(
'Mailing Address: azcareers@lycos.com',
'Subject: Software Developer Position',
ATTACH_RESUME_TRANSCRIPT);
Except
//Raise Exception
Raise;
end;
finally
ShowMessageBox(Format(' If you understand the above lines,'+
' then you may be one of us. You Know'+
' what to do, %s ', AnApplicant.Name));
end;
} //end create ...


} // end class job_opening



void main()
{

Slots job_opening[25]

for (I; I<25; I++)

Slot[i] := new job_opening.Create(You);

}
[/php]

Clueless ? If you know someone who isn't and he is looking for a job, then refer him to us. (drop us an email at azrefer@lycos.com)

You will be rewarded on his acceptance.

Chagrin

This is a new word for me.

Dictionary.com says,
cha·grin   (shə-grĭn') 
n. A keen feeling of mental unease, as of annoyance or embarrassment, caused by failure, disappointment, or a disconcerting event: To her chagrin, the party ended just as she arrived. 

cha·grin   (shə-grĭn')  

–verb (used with object) to vex by disappointment or humiliation: The rejection of his proposal chagrined him deeply. 

 I think this captures what a job seeker like me sometimes feel. Often, it's embarrassing to colleagues to have no job. One time, I asked a batchmate for a referral. I got the interview but failed disastrously. It was really embarrassing. Now people, friends, batchmates are meeting up while I am not showing up in these get-together... I was wondering sometimes if they talk about me... if they pity me...if their image of me in their minds have lost luster...

Maybe it's just but vanity that I think of these things. But the emotion of chagrin is there and I really can't do anything about it. I was performing well in the past, and I really felt that I am at the rock bottom this time. But I think I'm getting used to it. Too bad, my ego is hurting really bad.

I gave up yesterday

I thought I have given up job hunting yesterday. I am planning of going to the province and helping out in the family business.

San Miguel Food Packaging called me up last Wednesday for an exam and job interview.  Night before that, I found out that I did not pass my job interview in a company that I really like. So, when it's time to wake up... I just didn't...My body and my eyelids are just too heavy...I stood up my exam and interview... this was my first time..In all sense, I have given up.

So I thought... but now, I think I'm up and running. Next time, I should handle failure more gracefully and fast.

Too Bad...

It hurts a lot to fail a job interview. No kidding.

Lost and found

Supposedly, a 3,000 pesos savings could still support me until if ever I get a job within the next two months. Unfortunately, I just lost my wallet, with all my money in it along with my ATM cards. I swear I felt that this time, I have lost everything (although it's obvious I haven't lost any).

It's raining today. And I try to keep a fast and steady pace. I have observed that people who walk slowly don't know where to go next. Walking speed is directly proportional to how sure you are that you will be in a certain place. I just lost my money and I don't wanna look at lost. I managed to continue to where I am headed, and asked instead for some details and successfully made a plan for tomorrow. I went home, fearing of contacting leptospirosis from walking across the street entirely sunked in flood, just above the ankle deep.

When I passed by the church, I thought of making a visit. It's dark and with only few incandescent lights flooding the altar, like rain accumulated in water paddies. I thought of the money I have lost . Serously, I thought it's just a small amount. If I'm going to make it for another 10 years, it would only buy me a 3-day meal. But I sat there, and I had goosebumps. Tears fell down from my eyes. No, the money is not worth my tears. I just recalled my recent interview. Oh rejection, how could I ever have a grace. The sad thing is that, you never you loose hope in circumstances such as these, you keep expecting, until time tells you what you already know. It's you that is betraying yourself.

I washed my tears. I rested my head on my bag, on my lap and maybe because of exhaustion, I fell into a shallow sleep, or a deep one. Sleep is the best theraphy, I think. You forget things and sometimes, you wake up feeling rested.  I woke up when I heard people leaving through the doorway. It took me awhile to make sense of where I was. I stood up and there, slowly I gained pace, steady, brisk walk, knowing but not knowing where to go next.

Just do it then justify

Evil lingers on the idle. I bet that in a country with a high crime rate, giving jobs to people will make significant reduction.  There's a lot of evil things you think of when you don't have a job. I for one, having no job at the moment, actually thinks that I don't have an outlet to expend my energy. My energy surplus is building up and I'm quite sure I'm gonna explode soon. It's funny that nine months ago(OMG has it been nine months already...OMG...it's been so long), I was devastated, even suicidal on my first job.  My unhappiness gave so much power to my impulsion that I quit.  As they say, it's good to be a man of reason, you do what you want to do, then justify with a reason. Should I tell you I still have a contract with my first company. I actually have 14 months more when I quit. I can't believe that my feelings about having to force myself to stay in my first job is impossible.  They could actually sue me. Everyday, for the past three months (I just came to realization only three months ago) I have been constantly haunted by what I did and by my situation right now (jobless), relentlessly, like a shadow of the pass.. WOOoooo.  Why oh why have I done it? Was I that too weak  to give in to my mpulses.  One thing is my false and high expectations at the time. Did I actually think that many companies are dying to hire me? Naive, fledger, stupid! I'm so fucked up right now with this situation. Time is running out men, I'm spending the raimaining years of my youth inside my parents house.

Lord, help me in this situation
Do I sitll have much more lessons to learn?
Did I learn the lesson already?
I know I have been arrogant
I thought at that time that I deserve better...
My job mas menial, and I'm not doing a good job
I'm not good in doing a menial job
But what should I expect about the opportunities in the third world
In a world that is becoming a third world
Resources being depleted,
Amoebas breeding, that's us
There's no stopping us in occupying this world

But Lord, I know deep inside, I still am a believer
Please tell me, why am I afraid?
It's true that I thought I am way more fortunate than most people
But why am I afraid
Why do I look at the future with little hope
Why do I care about the material things and success...
Why do I care about my youth, my talents and the opportunities

Why do I feel that I must do it, and that I can't do it
Why do I give so much pressure to myself,
Was this to meet those I think are the expectations of others?


Is there an honor in living a life in desolation?
Lord, was this the lesson that I have yet to learn?
How about self esteem, how about potentials and talent and hardwork?
A life we dream of is an inspiration,
A source of energy that is as important from the one we get from the food we eat...

Lord, where should I go...
Certainly, doing my best is the right thing, but the world is not responding,
The world is keeping me here in my place, in my house that's already spitting me out

I'm certainly don't belong here Lord,
You have made me to solve problems,
This is a problem but how could I solve this...

Lord, I know that everytime I call you I ask
I know that when I am on a vantage point I question your existance,
But again, here I am, begging you for answers, for grace

Lord, help me, bless me,
Put me to a place where I could deplete my resources, my energy, my body, my youth
I am asking for a second chance,
Give me an opportunity...
I know that many people are asking you this,
But  I really think that I have paid my dues,
Not in my previous job, but as always,
it's always about getting better, more competent,
better person,
I know that you have made me a person with limitation,
but I have done a lot with the little that I've got,
with the little time that I've got....

Lord, help me, I know I should feel that living yet another day is another bonus for me
Bring me to a place where I could give more and learn more...