Wasting Time

The easiest way to waste time is to have no goal.
I was inspired by the story of Injap (Edgar Sia II), the owner and founder of Mang Inasal, a company of which 70 percent he has sold to Jollibee Foods Corp. for 3 billion pesos. He is 32 now.

As I read his story, I was suddenly reminded of my dreams, of having my own business, of helping create jobs for the many jobless pinoys, especially here in the rural areas.

Suddenly, I felt a sudden guilt for the time wasted for the past year, 1 year and 1 month to be exact, from the time that I resigned from my first company. 

For the past year, I didn't know what to do.  I've been practicing my english by reading some books, practicing for job interviews, passing resumes and going to interviews. Somehow, during those times, I really don't feel like  getting a job is the right thing for me. To be honest, killing myself is one of the things that crossed my mind because I felt trapped in a world where I can't fit in. Not the trap that you get when you are locked behind bars or put in a cage,but like being at the middle of the sea, or at the middle of the dessert...you're totally free, but  the horizon is  your inevitable boundary, and you don't know which way to go. I was clueless, and not sure of what I really want at that time.

Now, I don't experience those feelings anymore.  So far, I like learning the simple intricacies of our family business. I may say that my commitment for the past few months is partial and I handle little responsibilities, but now I really feel I could help and I could make a difference.

It's funny how we do stupid things unconsciously. Things that you only realize after going through all the undesirable experiences and after wasting precious time. And there are only few moments where your have a glimpse of the light, your paradigms shift, and your past beliefs crumble into pieces.

Yes, it was a confusing world after College. Suddenly, things are different. the game is different, rules  are different and goals are different. What will I do now that no one will give me grades, no one to set projects with considerable deadlines, or now that there won't be graduation for the next 4 to 5 decades(if you get lucky)?

My main point is that I missed to set a goal, because I didn't know(up until now) what is important to me or what are the things that I like to pursue. I just have to accept that at that time... I did not know.

The most important thing at the moment is having long term goals while always being at the present.I missed this feeling of having something to plan at night and looking forward to waking up in the morning.  Thank you God for the opportunities!

Push harder

I always run out of energy. But now, I want to push harder with my job hunting.

What more can I give. Is there really a limit?

Push harder. Push harder.  Let's see what happens.

The Internet is my New Bestfriend

Back in College, when I shifted from my Chemical Engineering degree to Electronics Engineering, I had a hard time adjusting to the new environment, especially with the people I worked with.  I remember when it was unbearable, I hastily went home, picked up the phone and talked to my bestfriend  about it. Our conversation begins with me complaining about people then shifts to us being mean, criticizing people and having good laughs.  It helped me a lot during those days.

Now that I am experiencing similar difficulty in the real world, instead of calling my friend, I turn to Google.  I type in the keywords and voila, I immediately find a blogger experiencing very similar situation, where other people who experienced the same thing gives some advices and words of encouragements. Internet has all the answers.

But I realized, I have practically replaced my friend with the Internet.  It provides credible references, gives more detailed analysis, is more accessible and minus the awkwardness of opening up to other people.

This lead me to ask, how important is personal interaction in building relationships with our families and friends?  How deep can relationships go if people choose to talk to various media other than being personally present? If you're a teenager, why not just talk to Google about your problems, instead of your parents?...in this way, you will not be scolded and you will not be put in an embarrassing situation.

Technology in all its efficiency, brought people around the world closer but also farther apart.

Bone of Contention

A difficult plight.

I want to read blogs that are real.  Many people use blog these days to increase traffic, gain some publicity and sell... sell stuffs, advertise and make money.  I want to do that too, make money through blogging.

But as a reader I want to read blogs that are real.  I want to learn and find out the real experiences of others, specially with those that I could relate to.

As a blogger, I want to share everything.  All my experiences especially those that others could learn from.  Mistakes, embarrassments, the NO-nos...based from experiences... in short, self-incriminating ones. Therefore, it's understandable if I don't want to reveal myself so that I could be more open.

And therefore, I could not advertise myself as myself.  So, I could not adverstise my link to my friends and family.

It's hard to reach out when I'm hiding myself for me to reveal more.

Must See

      My sister gave us a treat and took us to Trinoma today to see a movie.  While on queue, we were choosing between Twilight, Sorcerer's Apprentice and Inception.   Since no one is deciding, I chose the last option... Inception... and I was not disappointed.

      My expectations on the movie are low to start with. The movie surpassed it by three levels.  This is surely a must see movie. It's deep, abstract, complicated, a maze of twists and turns. The special effects are great, and the actors are really good (this is expected).  There were only few times that I heard people laugh, so it's not a cheesy nor a funny movie.  It's a movie that would make you think, speculate, and urges you to go back to latter scenes and understand the story.  People actually gave an applause at the end of the movie. How many times do people do that in a movie? I really love it.

      Now that I've set your expectations, you're not gonna love it as much as I do. haha. But at least you know what movie to spend your 170 pesos and 2.5 hours.  Have a nice day! 

It's Raining

It's raining and it's cold.

   I love the rain.  Back in College, I love taking exams when it's raining. Maybe because I feel the comfort of being inside a safe place while aware of the chaos brought by rain outside. I feel that class lectures are informal when it's raining, I'm at ease and would not take lectures seriously.

Here's my poem about rain,

   I sat on the window, my chin clinging on the edges of my arms

I'm looking upon the details of this picture I'm painting in my head

My eyes see the gray clouds, the houses and streets washed in monochrome

My ears hear the faint dab of color blue, and sparkling white of water flowing, 

and black like gloomy alleys, cold and damp

My heart hears the laughter, sees glimpse of youth and innocence.

Oh what an intricate piece it is, 

The rain and the life, inside the frame of this window where I sat.

So what dou you think? haha...As a disclaimer, I'll get ahead of you in saying...

"Oh talent, where art thou?".

Just be patient okey. Keep reading. I'll get better at this, I think...

Business Plan

While I'm hunting for jobs, a part of me is thinking about business.

I'm going to save enough then quit to put up a business.  Well, I'm thinking of selling some cloth(tela) in the Province.  I just want make some things accessible in the province.  How I hate myself for not being business savvy. I have designed some t-shirts before that I was not able to sell.  I got bankrupted because I've got nowhere to put the manufactured goods.

Now, I'm at it again.  Someday, I will run a business and be happy with what I'm doing.  Which lead me to think, why should I wait for someday to come before being happy with what I'm doing.  That's why I try to remind myself everyday, to appreciate and count the blessing that I have each day.

Business. business.

Pathetic

Well, this should be one of the most pathetic situations I've experienced.

I am taking an exam today for an RPG trainee position. I got up, washed and put on a smart casual outfit that I had prepared last night.  While I'm putting on my shoes, our house manager(our helper, who's taking care of our budget and stuff) asked me, "do you have money?".  I said, "No, I don't have any." She said, "Well, we don't have money."

I was embarrassed. My younger brother, upon hearing, even looked at me like he was really sorry with my situation. I was caught off-guard really. My first reaction was, "Oh, okey. Then I shouldn't be going then." Pathetic, now I don't even have money to go out of the house and find a job.  Then she said, "Oh, I still have 500 pesos in there. If you want, let split it up."  I thought, "so, now she has money, the nerve she got for making me feel unfortunate." I'm really pitiful at that time, pathetic.

I looked inside my bag and inside my pants'pockets and I saw some 120 pesos.  That I used to go from Kalookan to Makati and back, with an extra for a cookie and shawarma.

I really should find a job already.  I can't live like this anymore.

Give them a Chance

      I remember on my first job, I thought, "I should give people a chance to get this job.  If people want it and I don't like it, I would not take it from them."

      Right now, I would fight tooth and nail for a job.  "Give them a chance"...what a noble act, used in a not so noble way.  In many ways, this is but a rationalization.  Entry level jobs are menial.   Most jobs are menial.

     I am not that regretful though, about quiting my job on impulse and learning a lesson the hard way....hehe

Website Idea

What if there's a blog...(most probably, there is already)...when pictures/images are to be posted, and a famous and highly-respected photographers or team of photographers are going make a critic on the pictures.

The blog is for avid photography fans (there's a lot of them if you just look around) who wants to learn about what makes a photo special, or what makes a special photo different form the others...

Of course, there are a lot of pictures in the net already, in Flicker...in Google.  For me, the thing that makes blogs valuable is that, the vast information there is in the internet, is being sorted out to readers who are interested in certain genre or topic.  Just like what Google does, getting the exact information that the user wants.

This is what I want to do...but doing is very different from wanting, right? For now, I just want to write for my own pleasure of pouring in some thoughts, and archiving some ideas for future use.

My Story

When I was in College, back in 2006, when I was still on my 3rd year, I took an exam, along with the top 10 of my batch and top 10 of the lower batch.  I was really hardworking and very active in school back then.  I was also an officer in the Student Council and a Class President.  And among the Top 10, I was one of the four students who topped the exam and underwent the interview.

I got the scholarship.  The scholarship covered my last year in College.  And I signed a bond with the company, where I should be serving them for 2 years...

To cut the chase, 3 months while working at my company, I felt unhappy and depressed. I have been dragging myself to work. I asked myself, is this what my life would be from now on? When I was a fresh grad, I thought, jobs will be challenging and exciting, and companies will be needing my fresh ideas.  I was idealistic on jobs.  My expectations are high. And my self-confidence and trust in my abilities are soaring high.  But all of them went crushing down.


As one writer says, sometimes, when we get so good in what we're doing, we forget how hard it is to learn things.  I know this but I doubted if this skill, if the machines I am learning to use, are the ones I will be investing my  life into.In short, 10 months in my job, I quit. I ran away from my bond.  An easy decision that I might regret for a long time. But I could still say, that the time when I was walking away from that factory, was one of the happiest days of my life.  I felt liberated.  I put on my earphones, played a song and spread my arms and I felt like shouting... I'm free.

Fast forward to ten months after my resignation.  I was hiding from people, out of mostly in embarrassment and shame.  I was too arrogant. I was too arrogant.  Did I really believe companies will hire me bacause I was good in school?  Of course not... it doesn't mean that you'll be successful in the job when your weighted average is high.  How could I defend myself now?  I was the scholar, who ran out of his bond, complained in his job...sucked in his job.  How could I sell myself now?

In my job interviews, I felt like talking to the HRs that I have disappointed and abandoned in my previous company.  I could hear them saying, "It's payback time!".  The worst is when a hiring manager told me "ayaw mo ng nahihirapan (you don't want difficult jobs)".  Which is true in all sense, I must admit... but I need to pay the rent.

In these difficult times, I questioned a lot of things.  The real life is really different from life in school.  I try to clarify concepts that I usually here about life... about Passion, Dreams, Potential, and about working hard as a means in achieving your dreams...

I hear my Ego screaming for pain.

Ten months of job hunting, of dressing up, filling up application forms, walking out of grueling interviews, receiving rejection emails.  I know, this is petty compared to other people's problems but I am not strong enough.

If you're able to follow my petty story up to this part, I should tell you that I have learned a few things...some might actually change the way I look at the world (I have become pessimistic due to many disappointments) and the way I should live my life.

I'll try to share them to you in the next posts...

Brownout

I followed up my application at the one remaining company I had aplpied to.  A horrible news, and an unusual one. They told me that I fell short of 6 points in the second part of the exam.

It's brownout in most of Manila today.  No water, no electricity.  A storm passed by last night. It's huffing and puffing, trying to blew our house down.  I opened the doors and the windows to keep the pressure down and keep our house steady.

But I am not steady.  In the morning, whilst awake at around 9am, the first thing that came to my mind is having no job, having nothing to do, nowhere to go, no companies to apply to... I tried drowning the thought by falling back to sleep.  I have literal nightmares.  I also dreamt when I was still in College, and everything was doing well.  I stood up from my bed at around 11 in the morning.

I told myself, this is not how I should act.  I tried going back to the story of one person I truly admire.  Benjamin Franklin.  A self-made person, not having educated in prestigious schools, but was able to succeed.

I opened my book and read about Java programming.  I did not notice that the book I used when I took a class in C++ programming also contained Java programming at the later chapters.  So this has kept me busy all day.

Sigh. Best of luck with job hunting.

Someday

People have different attitudes depending on where they are on their job hunting or how long they are job hunting.

I am at the middle of the marathon.  Although I have never been into marathons I can say this is a hard part.  Running out of fuel and energy, while not being able to see the finish line.  It's like being at the middle of the Ocean, or at the middle of the dessert.  Unless you've been into such places before, in finding yourself lost into this vast uncertainty, where can one find the trust and determination that one day,you will find what you are looking for?

Not Again

This is yet another sad day for me.  I just failed my exam for Software Test Engineer.  Actually, I like the Software Developer position but I thought that I would not qualify for that.  My plan is to settle as Software Test Engineer while taking classes or self-studying on how to program using Java, Perl, C++ etc. I have a C++ class in College but I think the exam for the Software Developer position is in Java (as what I've read from the forums).

I also took an exam at >> another company and fortunately, this time, I passed the exam.  However, I left because I thought I failed the exam. They called me up over the phone to inform me that I passed and they scheduled me for an interview. But they texted me later that day and informed me that the interviewers will not be available  and they will just contact me to reschedule the exam.  I haven't got a call until now.

Today, I was left with one option.  I should not call this an option.  But at least, there's still a splinter that keeps my hopes burning.  Last week, there wasn't any.  Nowhere to start, nowhere to go. It's one of the most difficult times during job hunting.

Supply and Demand

So, I'm waiting for the results of the two job applications I had last week.  I tried not to think about it so I begin searching the internet for more job openings.

I found out that the more companies I apply to, the more confident I become and the less weight I put on each company.  I don't anymore feel that "this is my last chance".  But rather, "this is their last chance" of getting a potentially good employee such as me.


At this stage, any source of confidence I could use is valuable as I'm  loosing hope day by day.  But what I found out today is simple, companies create a value for themselves by getting as many people as possible to apply to them.  You create your value by applying to as many companies as possible. If you think there's other chances of getting a job, then you will not desparate in your application to one company.

Here I am again

My energy has completely run out. How hard it is not see the finish line.

Loss of Nothing

 When I have extra money, I realized, that my "essentials" takes on a different form. Suddenly, things I previously don't care about matters.

One thing I realized, even though I got all the things I needed, I think that I should have more, not entirely for personal satisfaction but in achieving my full potential.  I will not argue against the importance of traveling in expanding one's horizons but should I really include it in my "essentials".  How about continuing education and taking classes? I will not totally disagree with it, but is it also an essential?

My point is, there are a lot of forces that tell us what are the things that should matter.  I believe that there should only be few.  Sometimes, people think they are missing out on a lot of things.  It's an imaginary loss, a loss of nothing if I may say.

Slowly cominng to a Halt

Today, I've not done anything.  I've viewed a lot of clips on youtube...those that say...Don't give up... 20 secrets to keep you going...Some, I think are really inspiring.

Amidst the many different quiotes, one got stuck in my mind.

"From your vulnerabilities comes your strength" by Sigmund Freud

I kept on finding some explanations on this. Probably, psychological theories from which it was referenced but to no avail.   I'll get back on this quote some other time.

 All those quotes helped and inspired me...a lot. But because of that feeling of being inspired, being elated, like some kind of addictive drug, I kept looking for more inspiring video clips.  I just wasted my whole day to be inspired. 

In the end, it all comes down to accepting that the situation is difficult and you should have the resolve in getting yourself out of this rut.

COBOL

There's something in the name that reminds me of cobwebs, dungeons, and dark alleys.

Unfortunately, this programming language is where some are putting their money in, here in Philippines. COBOL is one of the oldest programming language. According to wikipedia, it was created in 1959 to support finance and business systems etc. Many companies are outsourcing maintenance jobs for systems in COBOL.

To cut the chase, apparently, I am applying for a COBOL trainee position...which has a three year contract.  Writing it down makes me realize that it's obviously a wrong decision. 

This is a funny quote. When someone says "let's be realistic", you know he/she is not going to do anything good.

So let's be realistic. It's a right to choose, if you have options that is.

Start with yourself

Kalma. Calm. Be calm.

This is my friends advise to me. Getting a job is really frustrating.  There are a lot of interviews I've been into and failed.

Here I'm left alone in our house, finding ways to be busy.  If I stay still for a moment, thoughts race in my mind.  I am always kept reminded of the future.  I thought of this once. Can we really do something about our future? Or is fate dragging as to where we should be no matter how strongly we resist it.  Finally, where should I be then?

That I shall see.  

Antz

The structure of the ant colony is simple.  There's the Queen that lays the eggs, the soldier ants that protect the mud gates and the worker ants that search for the food. 

Humans, we think, are like ants. They have roles. Teachers, lawyers, engineers, artists amongst others.

Good thing for the ants, they know what they are by the time they are hatched.

My point is...in a way, EDUCATION and peer pressure obscures our view of what we really are. The history of education reveals that its purpose is to prepare students in becoming great employees to work in factories.  Education is the solution of the US Federal governments from the time the economy is shifted from Agriculture to operating Factories.  That is why maybe, people are supposed to be unhappy in their jobs because getting a job is really not a good thing but is far better than dying in starvation. 

Passion is for the idealistic. Job is realistic. Marry the two and that may stop the Monday blues and the everyday morning sickness. Just get a job that is closest to your passion.

No Excuses

If you can't conquer it, ignore it.  So they say.

I remember when I was preparing for the board exam. I said to myself, this is useless... In real life, if I encounter these questions, I could easily google it on the internet.  This exam is very objective and it really doesn't measure the skills of a person.

Well, we could say all we want... We could try to convince ourselves that such things aren't suppose to be there.  But I think this is not the right attitude in job hunting. We cannot ignore the facts that employers put a weight on job interviews. Employers hire people who they like to work with...and many people these days are skilled and likeable and we are competing against them.

No more excuses.

We get Better, or Not

Throw yourself in the water and you'll learn to swim...or drown.

No one really knows job hunting better than the ones doing it.  Learning to do the task is not really optional, it's given.  When you walk out from a disastrous job interview, you curse yourself...Why did I say that?, I normally tell myself.  That's a pretty hard question, why I haven't thought an answer for that?

I would be lying if I say that reading some interview questions and preparing scares me more. Everytime I come across difficult questions, I focus my attention to them. Will my interview be really this difficult?  

The scary part of the job hunting process is that, while you get better at this, your options really gets slimmer. Or you'll think that you might want to give up, but fact is you can't. We need the job. You think you'll drown but you can't.

Pea Shooter to the Rescue

Looking for a job is frustrating. Sometimes, when I watch tv, eat lunch or take a nap... my mind just get clouded with thoughts of my job hunting, my frustrations and disappointments... It just eats up my energy... The uncertainty, questions like "what if I still don't have a job after 2 months...or 6 months...1 year...never"...

It's hard...really.

So, as a diversion... I resort to the Pea Shooter... I play Plants vs Zombies. In this game, I simulate success in a way. Frustrations never... In this game, especially in the survival game, I fail but I know what to do next... and I have endless opportunities to make up for mistakes... In interviews and job application, it's hard to make a mistake because you'll be loosing a precious job opportunity...

So, this is a nice break for me...Thanks Pea Shooter!

P.S. I don't play it in long hours çoz I still say it's a waste of time.

An IT job post

This is an interesting post for an IT position....

Software Developer Positions Open

---

[php]class job_opening extends CObject{

public:
//constructor
Create(AnApplicant CApplicant){
//Validate AnApplicant

if AnApplicant.HasAttributes([
A TEAM PLAYER,
ADEPT AT OOP CONCEPTS AND PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES,
KNOWLDEGE OF SQL IS A PLUS,
CAN GET THINGS DONE,
CONFIDENT,
WILLING TO LEARN,
WILLING TO WORK IN ORTIGAS CENTER, PASIG CITY, PHILIPPINES
])
and AnApplicant.University Degree in ([
Computer Science,
Computer Engineering,
Other Computer Programming Intensive Courses
])
and
(AnApplicant.is Willing to travel abroad = 'Yes')
and
(AnApplicant.is Willing to work for a CMM level 5 Company = 'Yes')

/*
Our company is one of the first to be rated the
CAPABILITY MEASUREMENT MODEL LEVEL 5
in South East Asia by the Software Engineering Institute.
SW-CMM is a model for judging the maturity of the software
processes of an organization, developed by the software
community under the stewardship of SEI.


SEI is a research and development center sponsored
by the US Department of Defense and operated
by Carnegie Mellon University.

SW-CMM has become the de facto standard
for assessing and improving
software processes worldwide.


Only around 1.5% of software companies
throughout the world have attained this level.
Among these are renowned companies like
Boeing Defense and Space Group,
Motorola, Infosys Technologies Ltd.,
Tata Consultancy Services, NASA,
and Lockheed Martin Mission Systems.
*/
then
try
try
//Assertions
Assert(AnApplicant.Resume != Null ,
'Please Send Comprehensive Resume.');

Assert(AnApplicant.Transcript != Null ,
'Please Send Transcript of Records');

Assert(AnApplicant.Rating = Excellent ,

'We only get the best!');


AnApplicant.SendEmail(
'Mailing Address: azcareers@lycos.com',
'Subject: Software Developer Position',
ATTACH_RESUME_TRANSCRIPT);
Except
//Raise Exception
Raise;
end;
finally
ShowMessageBox(Format(' If you understand the above lines,'+
' then you may be one of us. You Know'+
' what to do, %s ', AnApplicant.Name));
end;
} //end create ...


} // end class job_opening



void main()
{

Slots job_opening[25]

for (I; I<25; I++)

Slot[i] := new job_opening.Create(You);

}
[/php]

Clueless ? If you know someone who isn't and he is looking for a job, then refer him to us. (drop us an email at azrefer@lycos.com)

You will be rewarded on his acceptance.

Chagrin

This is a new word for me.

Dictionary.com says,
cha·grin   (shə-grĭn') 
n. A keen feeling of mental unease, as of annoyance or embarrassment, caused by failure, disappointment, or a disconcerting event: To her chagrin, the party ended just as she arrived. 

cha·grin   (shə-grĭn')  

–verb (used with object) to vex by disappointment or humiliation: The rejection of his proposal chagrined him deeply. 

 I think this captures what a job seeker like me sometimes feel. Often, it's embarrassing to colleagues to have no job. One time, I asked a batchmate for a referral. I got the interview but failed disastrously. It was really embarrassing. Now people, friends, batchmates are meeting up while I am not showing up in these get-together... I was wondering sometimes if they talk about me... if they pity me...if their image of me in their minds have lost luster...

Maybe it's just but vanity that I think of these things. But the emotion of chagrin is there and I really can't do anything about it. I was performing well in the past, and I really felt that I am at the rock bottom this time. But I think I'm getting used to it. Too bad, my ego is hurting really bad.

I gave up yesterday

I thought I have given up job hunting yesterday. I am planning of going to the province and helping out in the family business.

San Miguel Food Packaging called me up last Wednesday for an exam and job interview.  Night before that, I found out that I did not pass my job interview in a company that I really like. So, when it's time to wake up... I just didn't...My body and my eyelids are just too heavy...I stood up my exam and interview... this was my first time..In all sense, I have given up.

So I thought... but now, I think I'm up and running. Next time, I should handle failure more gracefully and fast.

Too Bad...

It hurts a lot to fail a job interview. No kidding.

Lost and found

Supposedly, a 3,000 pesos savings could still support me until if ever I get a job within the next two months. Unfortunately, I just lost my wallet, with all my money in it along with my ATM cards. I swear I felt that this time, I have lost everything (although it's obvious I haven't lost any).

It's raining today. And I try to keep a fast and steady pace. I have observed that people who walk slowly don't know where to go next. Walking speed is directly proportional to how sure you are that you will be in a certain place. I just lost my money and I don't wanna look at lost. I managed to continue to where I am headed, and asked instead for some details and successfully made a plan for tomorrow. I went home, fearing of contacting leptospirosis from walking across the street entirely sunked in flood, just above the ankle deep.

When I passed by the church, I thought of making a visit. It's dark and with only few incandescent lights flooding the altar, like rain accumulated in water paddies. I thought of the money I have lost . Serously, I thought it's just a small amount. If I'm going to make it for another 10 years, it would only buy me a 3-day meal. But I sat there, and I had goosebumps. Tears fell down from my eyes. No, the money is not worth my tears. I just recalled my recent interview. Oh rejection, how could I ever have a grace. The sad thing is that, you never you loose hope in circumstances such as these, you keep expecting, until time tells you what you already know. It's you that is betraying yourself.

I washed my tears. I rested my head on my bag, on my lap and maybe because of exhaustion, I fell into a shallow sleep, or a deep one. Sleep is the best theraphy, I think. You forget things and sometimes, you wake up feeling rested.  I woke up when I heard people leaving through the doorway. It took me awhile to make sense of where I was. I stood up and there, slowly I gained pace, steady, brisk walk, knowing but not knowing where to go next.

Just do it then justify

Evil lingers on the idle. I bet that in a country with a high crime rate, giving jobs to people will make significant reduction.  There's a lot of evil things you think of when you don't have a job. I for one, having no job at the moment, actually thinks that I don't have an outlet to expend my energy. My energy surplus is building up and I'm quite sure I'm gonna explode soon. It's funny that nine months ago(OMG has it been nine months already...OMG...it's been so long), I was devastated, even suicidal on my first job.  My unhappiness gave so much power to my impulsion that I quit.  As they say, it's good to be a man of reason, you do what you want to do, then justify with a reason. Should I tell you I still have a contract with my first company. I actually have 14 months more when I quit. I can't believe that my feelings about having to force myself to stay in my first job is impossible.  They could actually sue me. Everyday, for the past three months (I just came to realization only three months ago) I have been constantly haunted by what I did and by my situation right now (jobless), relentlessly, like a shadow of the pass.. WOOoooo.  Why oh why have I done it? Was I that too weak  to give in to my mpulses.  One thing is my false and high expectations at the time. Did I actually think that many companies are dying to hire me? Naive, fledger, stupid! I'm so fucked up right now with this situation. Time is running out men, I'm spending the raimaining years of my youth inside my parents house.

Lord, help me in this situation
Do I sitll have much more lessons to learn?
Did I learn the lesson already?
I know I have been arrogant
I thought at that time that I deserve better...
My job mas menial, and I'm not doing a good job
I'm not good in doing a menial job
But what should I expect about the opportunities in the third world
In a world that is becoming a third world
Resources being depleted,
Amoebas breeding, that's us
There's no stopping us in occupying this world

But Lord, I know deep inside, I still am a believer
Please tell me, why am I afraid?
It's true that I thought I am way more fortunate than most people
But why am I afraid
Why do I look at the future with little hope
Why do I care about the material things and success...
Why do I care about my youth, my talents and the opportunities

Why do I feel that I must do it, and that I can't do it
Why do I give so much pressure to myself,
Was this to meet those I think are the expectations of others?


Is there an honor in living a life in desolation?
Lord, was this the lesson that I have yet to learn?
How about self esteem, how about potentials and talent and hardwork?
A life we dream of is an inspiration,
A source of energy that is as important from the one we get from the food we eat...

Lord, where should I go...
Certainly, doing my best is the right thing, but the world is not responding,
The world is keeping me here in my place, in my house that's already spitting me out

I'm certainly don't belong here Lord,
You have made me to solve problems,
This is a problem but how could I solve this...

Lord, I know that everytime I call you I ask
I know that when I am on a vantage point I question your existance,
But again, here I am, begging you for answers, for grace

Lord, help me, bless me,
Put me to a place where I could deplete my resources, my energy, my body, my youth
I am asking for a second chance,
Give me an opportunity...
I know that many people are asking you this,
But  I really think that I have paid my dues,
Not in my previous job, but as always,
it's always about getting better, more competent,
better person,
I know that you have made me a person with limitation,
but I have done a lot with the little that I've got,
with the little time that I've got....

Lord, help me, I know I should feel that living yet another day is another bonus for me
Bring me to a place where I could give more and learn more...

Why Opt God

I came upon a newspaper article that talks about getting old, losing things acquired through years of hard work, losing mental dexterity, and suffering from chronic physical ailments. It says something like if you loose everything, there's one thing that you won't loose, God.

Maybe, some people opt for God because God serves them what they want or need.  In the same way we choose a book to read. We read those that give us answers, whether it's a book on The Most Effective Slimming Diet or a DIY on Replacing a Flat Tire.

Growing old might be very difficult. I guess one thing people do in there lifetime is to gain things, establish some source of income so they can survive with less worries.  It would be hard to explain if there are people who would choose otherwise, and opt instead to worry where to get food or where to sleep on a day to day basis.  But what if we loose all these things? The money, the strength of the mind and body, the people we knew? What if we're about to loose our lives, the sole reason of our existence and everything. Who would give us comfort? There has always been a need for this kind of security, something or someone that will say it's gonna be okay. Maybe, there aren't a lot of options. Science offers us medicine and ways to improve health and quality of life which includes antidepressants and sedatives that would keep us from pain and apprehension, but it also tells us what we already know, that death is inevitable and there's nothing we can do about it.  The other option might be, what one may say,  too good to be true. A lifetime of happiness.  God gives us security and Salvation. 
 
 Whether God exists or not, or whether or not it's the best option to believe in God, we choose.

Boiling Frog

If you place a toad in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out, try to escape with all it's might and agility that it has. But if you put it in the pot with a warm water,and slowly heat it up, the toad will not notice the fatal place it's in, and will die eventually in the heat.

Well, with a minute of research in this topic, Wikipedia says some claim that this is not really true in its literal sense, for a toad will eventually jump out by the time it feels the water is too hot.

I have learned a lesson today. That is to seek every possible truth in every premise. I don't want to use this metaphor to point a lesson, not because it's not true, because we all know that many Aesop's fables are incredible, but because the act of subjecting a frog to such conditions suggest an experimental method, and the lesson, the conclusion derived from this experiment. Well, some say the result is different, so I guess so should the lesson.

Change is easier when it's gradual.

A Simple Machine

The lever is a simple machine used to lift heavy objects that would have been difficult or impossible with bare hands. A metal or wooden  rod could be used as a lever. You place one end below the object to be lifted and on the other, exert a force in the opposite direction. A solid and stationary object should serve as a fulcrum to permit a rotating motion to the rod. In a nutshell, the lever multiplies the force you exert on an object, 2x, 4x or 100x depending on the length of the rod and the position of the fulcrum.

Archimedes thinks that if he can use a long enough rod, he could move the earth.

Words for me are like levers. We have seen in many ways how words and images create an experience beyond reality. It highlights some things and downplays others. Truth is powerful and profound but perception  is a reality. 

Words are a dime a dozen some may say, but the power of words to bring about change is indispensable.  I think that learning to use words gives value to a person, for his survival and success.   Day by day, we encounter problems that seem insurmountable.  As simple as the lever does, let’s use words that inspires, that guides our efforts, that multiplies.  

One Big Fight!

When I was to take my board exam in the year 2008, my mantra is "Do everything I can, if I fail so should 90% of all board takers".

It may not be profound in statement, but it worked. I passed with high ratings. When I went to see my scores in PRC, I'm quite sure I saw some stars and fireworks with a band banging percussion in the background.

Why it worked. This mantra gave me a goal that is specific. If my goal was to pass the exam, it would have been overwhelming and ambiguous. But if my goal was to ensure that I belong to the upper 10 or 20 percent of all board takers, it's specific and more manageable. The test is composed of random and trivial questions. It is also in multiple choice. With, with little or no preparation, takers have just as much chances of passing. To feel that you succeeded in executing a preparation plan, is a great help in gaining some confidence and loosing some fear.

You may think that such thinking is in the wrong side and hint of crab mentality , but as I've said, it may not be profound but it worked for me.

Holy Friday: Kissing The Christ Jesus Goodbye

Here, I took some photos of the Saint Christopher Parish Church in Bangar, La Union. Paintings illustrating the "Apostle's Creed" and the "Mysteries of Holy Rosary" adorn the ceiling.

The body of the dead Jesus Christ is placed inside an embellished casket, a much different version of how Jesus have died and how He was buried.

According to the Bible, Joseph asked Pontius Pilate for Jesus' body. They then wrapped His body with a linen cloth and buried it in a tomb. Here I should say is how people prefer to look at things behind rose-tinted glasses. I felt that if Jesus death was presented as how it is described in the Bible, then kissing the Dead Jesus Christ would be more than just a practice that we do every year. My young niece and nephew, who had their first experience of this part of our culture, would have asked more questions at why people would kiss a mutilated body all drenched in blood with nothing on but a linen cloth.

Of the more profound lessons from the commemoration of this event, I remember a simple lesson that deals with cristicisms.  A quote goes, "You cannot please everybody. Look at what happened to the man who did all the right things."

Holy Thursday

Feeling a little lazy and sleepy, we headed to our Parish Church located in the heart our town, Bangar, a rustic village in the province of La Union, where freshly caught fishes, shrimps, squids and other sea creatures are sold by enterprising fishermen right in our doorsteps.


It's been a long time since I've paid a visit to our Parish Church. To return to the Church is not really meeting old friends or acquaintances, or catching up with fellow members. I only knew people I’ve met in some other places outside the Church. Going to Church is revering a common God, being in harmony with the community in singing the Gospel songs and listening to sermon, trying to answer your own questions that may arise. It's a one-way communication, much like watching in a movie theater.

The Paschal Triduum begins with the Holy Thursday. Today, we're going to witness the Washing of the Feet.

Forgive me, for I have not quite reflected on the virtue that is being symbolized in this act. While I watch, I thought that this is one moment where you experience the culture of a place. I love the sound of Ilocano phrases and Ilocano songs which I still can recall from when I was an elementary student in a Catholic school a decade ago.

The twelve men who played the apostles consisted of men from different professions. The first one is a Brgy. Captain. Leaning towards my younger sister, I said "Corrupt". She hesitated a smile. Looking back, I thought that it was an unfair prejudice on all government officials. The Brgy. Captain stood up, introduced himself, and described how he contributes to society. He then sat down then the priest washed his feet and wiped it dry with a towel. Another is a student. I wondered who composed his script which rather resulted to a pessimistic soliloquy. Maybe a parent who's a having a hard time with an adolescent young. He said that he demands for allowance every time, incurs a lot of expenses and has a high tuition fee. I was expecting the more common "Children are our Future" thing when referring to youth. He then sat down and the priest washed his feet and used the same towel he used with the Brgy. Captain to wipe his feet dry. This continued. One is a fisherman, and one is a farmer. When the doctor showed himself, my mother told us that he has filed a lawsuit in the Regional Trial Court. My mother continued much of these side comments for the duration of the ceremony. Then there's a teacher, a police and an OFW. I remember the police saying, "Will there come a time when there will be peace, where truth will prevail, and there will be dignity and respect in people?” The OFW said, "When I worked abroad, I settled for the pictures of my loved ones and missed the warmth of their embrace". Then there is the Istambay, meaning standby or the unemployed. I immediately thought, what value could he teach us? I did not quite remember all his self-introduction but I think there are not much of positive things he said about himself. He said that he's waiting for opportunities where he may be able to give his service. Still convinced he shouldn't be among the twelve Apostles, I remembered, I am an Istambay. And yes, with the guilt, the pressure, the realization that I'm not carrying much of the burden of living, I too cannot say much positive things about myself but nonetheless a part of the community. If these are the predominant professions in our town, then I am not alone as an Istambay. What a relief.

The ceremony continued. I felt a little embarrassed when my mother raises her voice when singing the Gospel songs. Then I realized that I and my younger sister, weren't gifted with a pleasant tone either. When I tried the second voice, my sister said, "that doesn't sound good", while trying to look as seriously as possible so that I would take her comment seriously. I did, but I sang anyway.

My knees hurt, my sister sleepy, my mother silent, the mass ended. We walked towards the marketplace and bought some things. My mother suggested that we walk home as a gesture of penitence for the Holy Week. It's a less than a kilometer distance. She thought about it for awhile then waved for a tricycle and we ride home.